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A cry for help from members of ‘parent haters’ group on Facebook

A group on Facebook called the "Society of Parent Haters" with more than 7,000 members has faced criticism from many people.

A few days after it was reported, the group was removed from Facebook. However, several days later, a group with the same name was formed and now has nearly 1,000 members.

The posts full of negative emotions and hatred towards parents indicate that these are not just about young people who disrespect and have no gratitude toward their parents. More broadly, it is about behavior and understanding how to reconcile the relationship between parent and children.

The following are some posts of members: "Does anyone hate an alcoholic father?", "I hate my dad the most", "Is there any father who is irresponsible, has a mistress, curses at his wife and children?", “Who hates their parents and wants to leave this world?”, “To be born for what, to be cursed, beaten, commanded, a slave? Then don't give birth to me, I don't need it, I'd rather die than live with them".

One person criticized them: "You were given birth by your parents and now you curse your parents online.” But a member replied: "Every family has its own scene. Not all parents love their children. Those who are always loved by their parents do not know the frustration of those who are often scolded by their parents, and even families that respect men and despise women!"

Another member wrote: "If you can't understand your children's feelings, what will you do? I hate my dad the most in my life."

“I am an ungrateful child. I hate my father... He used to torture and beat the family. Now during the pandemic, he is even more severe. He drinks and gets drunk every day… My mother has to take care of the whole family and has a terrible disease - cancer."

In addition to the temporary feelings of some immature members, through the sharing of many other young people, it can be seen that behind their bitter and hateful words are stories that show they are not the only ones who should be blamed.

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Conflict or tolerance?

Psychologist Dang Hoang Ngan said that she sees the existence of such groups as a spiritual exit in the unhealthy way of people who have a particularly difficult emotional relationship with their parent.

She said there are two groups of dissatisfaction with parents: Group 1 are those who have suffered experience in family life where the father and mother have unhealthy behavior towards their children, such as alcoholic father/mother, betrayal, domestic violence...

“When a person's childhood is filled with great pressures, beyond the ability to explain and helpless to change their parents, that person will grow up and carry heavy emotional trauma. The fact that they talk about their parents' misbehavior on social media comes from their motivation to seek recognition for their emotional trauma and reduce guilt as others also judge their parents to be wrong.”

The second group includes those who experience unpleasant things in their interactions with their parents, and also have behaviors that make the family atmosphere more stressful. However, they tend to deny their own impact on family tensions.

“The first danger of the emergence of groups like this is that the participants run the risk of being engulfed in feelings of hatred for their parents. The next danger is that the existence of such a group reinforces the belief that if parents do something wrong, it is natural for children to hate and even retaliate,” Dr. Ngan said.

“I want to emphasize that, when parents do something wrong, children get hurt, have emotional difficulties with parents, that's true. But increasing conflict and retaliation, or showing tolerance and guiding parents to do the right thing, is something children can choose. On the contrary, parents should also be the ones to realize their responsibilities before the relationship in the family falls into situations like this,” she added.

Responsibility and tolerance

Dr. Ngan affirmed that basic human values are the foundation for us to harmonize and build any relationship. The family is the foundation of society, so the relationship in the family is also the foundation to make a stable, developed and civilized society.

UNESCO outlined 12 universal values including peace, respect, love, tolerance, humility, cooperation, happiness, honesty, responsibility, simplicity, freedom, solidarity.

“For families with difficult emotional experiences, perhaps members should re-evaluate and implement these values, and learn skills to interact with those values, which will bring about improvement,” she said.

She emphasized two core values that need to be re-evaluated with families with emotional difficulties: responsibility and tolerance.

“Only when we see our responsibilities in a relationship, realize how our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors have affected that relationship, we are ready to develop ourselves to improve the relationship. We will no longer blame and wait for change from others.

“Only when we choose tolerance will we begin to quiet down to observe and understand the difficult experience of the other person, not just focusing on the other person's mistakes to prove our subjective correctness,” she said.

In addition, she believes that when children enter adulthood, one of life's tasks is to make peace with their parents. This includes instructing parents to treat them like an adult and deal with old problems, or be tolerant of parents.

Some reasons why parents behave inappropriately with their children:

- Parents themselves have suffered psychological trauma as children and have not yet recovered.

- Parents experience major events in adulthood, leading to mental breakdown and change in attitude and behavior.

- Parents have had previously unhealthy patterns of behavior with their children and are not aware that they can become more active parents.

- Children misbehave to a degree that exceeds the parents' ability to emotionally reassure and exercise positive discipline.

Nguyen Thao

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