Many Vietnamese women have long been tied to the concept of "exchanging marriage for one's wife". Even if the husband is bad or abusive, he still has to endure it, not daring to speak up because "a bad guy is ashamed of his concubine", and not even daring to divorce for fear of hurting his parents, fear of people slandering him... Invisibly, they are sinking deep. In violence, there is no escape.

Now, the situation has changed. Everyone has access to information; learn about the Law on Marriage and Family, the Law on Prevention of Domestic Violence; propagate human rights; receive advice and support from social organizations, psychologists, social experts, and lawyers... Gradually escaping old-fashioned ideas, women find their voice in family and society. and help others realize their own value.

Crying behind the door

Late at night on the last day of the year, lawyer and psychologist Hoang Hai Van received a request for urgent psychological support from a young woman named Thuy Huong, 29 years old, living in Ho Chi Minh City.

That night, Thuy Huong, in an emotional mood, confided every hidden corner of her 7-year marriage.

Originally a beautiful, gentle and fragile violinist, she was unlucky in love and had an abusive husband who was often abusive.

“Fairy tale love story” are the words Thuy Huong uses to talk about the beginning of her relationship with her husband. At that time, Vu was a wealthy businessman. He fell in love with Huong when he saw her perform at a tea room, so he asked for her phone number to get to know her.

"Hello! Did anyone tell you that you have talking eyes and a sunny smile? I wish I could meet you this Saturday afternoon at Bach Dang wharf, sipping a cup of coffee with you and watching the sunset...".

A year later, they became husband and wife in a beautiful beachside wedding like many girls' fairytale dreams. But, as the saying goes, "the gate is as deep as the ocean", entering it not only makes people laugh but also cries.

Thuy Huong quickly gave birth to a beautiful baby girl for Vu, but her mother-in-law required a DNA test before accepting the child because she was pregnant before the wedding.

After the wedding, Vu also began to change, preferring to control his wife. He also asked Thuy Huong to quit her job to devote herself fully to taking care of her family.

At first, Huong did not agree, but then she compromised to keep the marriage peaceful.

Not long after Huong gave birth to her first daughter, Vu's company faced the risk of bankruptcy. Depressed and stuck, Vu blamed his wife and children, and his alcohol addiction also made things worse.

For several years, Huong was often insulted by her husband with vulgar language. Vu even "upper legs, lower arms" with his wife whenever he is in a bad mood. Afterwards, he expressed regret, explaining that work pressure caused him to abuse beer and alcohol, so he could not control his behavior and asked his wife for forgiveness.

Commenting on the incident, psychologist Hoang Hai Van said: "Studies on the relationship between domestic violence and substance addiction show that the use of stimulants (alcohol, drugs...) increases the likelihood of Violent acts occur. However, this is only a secondary cause. The root cause of domestic violence is gender inequality.

With the ideology of respecting men and despising women, Vu gives himself the right to control and requires his wife to serve and fulfill his requests. Huong is in a dependent position, having to obey and try harder to meet her husband's demands. If she disagrees or is late, he will treat her harshly."

Having endured so much pain and shame, Huong still holds out hope that her husband will change. Because of that, she hid the ugly corner of her married world and gave birth to another handsome son for Vu, but the situation did not improve.

At this time, Huong was thinking about divorce, but Vu threatened to use his power to make her lose custody of her child and never see her child again. He even criticized her for being a selfish mother. Afterwards, Vu apologized to his wife and took care of every little thing to please her. This made Huong mistakenly think her husband still loved her, so she tried to justify his actions.

"Don't give up, speak up"

Explaining the problem from a psychological perspective, expert Hoang Hai Van said: "When the cycle of violence repeats and becomes more serious over time, the victim is almost brainwashed to believe the words. belittling, blaming, and criticizing the abuser.

This reduces the victim's self-esteem and awareness of their condition. The abuser then shows remorse and closeness, leaving the victim feeling relieved to be loved and continuing to hope that the relationship will improve. This painful bond is painfulThe victim becomes co-dependent with the abuser and becomes less and less able to resist leaving the toxic relationship.

This argument is consistent with the results of a national survey published by the Ministry of Labor, War Invalids and Social Affairs in 2021: On average, about 1 in 3 women (32%) experience physical or sexual violence from their husbands. . Of these, 90.4% of women who were physically or sexually abused by their husbands did not seek advice or help.

The same is true for Huong. Until one day, her son's teacher called her to school and announced: "Just because your friend accidentally dirtyed your notebook, you got angry and grabbed your hair, punched and kicked your friend continuously." When Thuy Huong asked, the 5-year-old boy innocently replied: "Dad still beats mom."

Her words made Huong stunned and sad. From here she began to learn and seek help from experts.

After listening to the expert's analysis, Huong realized she was wrong. For many years, she thought that doing this was to preserve the family home for her child, but in reality she was detaining her child in a violent environment. Frequently witnessing the father insulting and assaulting the mother are the most terrible things in a child's life. It is even possible that children will imitate violent behavior and become bullies.

Huong decided not to endure it anymore. She consulted a lawyer to file for divorce to escape the violent relationship forever.

With "steel evidence" of her husband's abuse for many years, Huong won direct custody of her two children.

Talking to VietNamNet, psychologist Hoang Hai Van said: "Domestic violence is a social form, causing many serious consequences, not only directly harming physical and mental health. victims' rights but also seriously violates human rights and personal rights in the field of marriage and family."

The female expert also cited the report of the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime (UNODC) in 2021, 58% of murdered women worldwide were victims of domestic violence.

From there, the female expert warns that when each person is abused, do not accept it, break the silence, seek legal help, psychologists or the police for advice and timely protection. 

Vu Lua