‘Stay with us, Mom’

Thirty years have passed, but Nguyen Ha, born in 1988 and now living in Bich Hao Commune, Nghe An Province, still vividly remembers meeting her stepmother, Pham Thi Thao. Born in 1962 and also from Nghe An, Thao is the woman Ha has lovingly called “Mom” for decades.

It was a summer day in 1996, three years after Ha’s biological mother died in an accident. Ha was eight, her youngest sister was two, and her older sister and brother were barely into their teens.

Thao, whose previous marriage had ended and who had no children of her own, accompanied Ha’s father home for a visit, bringing a packet of candy. Seeing the four struggling children and their modest, untidy home without a woman to care for it, she felt a pang of sadness.

“At the time, I wasn’t thinking about anything else. I just felt for those four children. How could a widower caring for four children on his own manage everything properly?” Thao said.

Ha understood little of adult relationships then. She simply liked the gentle, kind woman her father had brought home. Thao gave the children candy, tied the girls’ hair and tidied up the house.

When she got up to leave, Ha’s youngest sister clung to the hem of her shirt, unwilling to let go. Her older sister shyly pleaded: “Stay with us, Mom, please.” She used “me,” the local word for mother.

“Mom was so moved that she cried and promised, ‘I’ll come back another day.’ And she really did come back to become our mother. Only later did I realize how brave she was to marry a single father with four children,” Ha recalled, her voice filled with emotion.

In 1997, Thao gave birth to a son. She and her husband worked tirelessly to raise all five children, farming, collecting firewood in the forest and trading goods to make ends meet.

In Ha’s memory, her stepmother was a superhero, rising early and staying up late every day, moving straight from work in the fields to chores at home.

During the dry season, she washed clothes in the river and carried water home for the children to use. When floods came, she and the children hurried to raise their belongings off the floor and move to safety. However difficult things became, she made sure everything was taken care of.

Life in the little house changed completely after she arrived. The roof was still ramshackle, but the home became tidier and more welcoming. Meals were simple, yet always served hot.

“Our family was poor, and with five children going through school one after another, our parents had a very hard time. But from the day Mom came, we never had to wear torn clothes,” Ha said.

“I remember that at the start of every school year, she would gather whatever pomelos and bunches of bananas she could from the garden and sell them to buy us books, notebooks and new clothes. At Tet, the Lunar New Year, however little money we had, she always bought each of us something new to wear.”

More than 400 kilometers to care for her daughter after childbirth

Thanks to their parents’ efforts, all five children received a proper education, with three going on to college or university. Ha is now a pharmacist.

After finishing their studies, the siblings married one by one. Thao made no distinction between her stepchildren and her biological son, carefully arranging each child’s wedding.

“If we wanted to get married, we had to tell her in advance. Then she would raise pigs and chickens to prepare for the wedding feast. She took equal care over the wedding gifts or dowry for each of us, making sure no one missed out,” Ha said.

When Ha had her first child in 2014, she was living in Phu Tho. Despite suffering from motion sickness, Thao traveled more than 400 kilometers to care for her daughter after the birth, staying for a full month to help look after her grandchild.

By the time Ha had her second child in 2019, her family had moved to Yen Bai, now part of Lao Cai Province. Once again, Thao made the long journey to help. Having her mother beside her during childbirth brought Ha considerable comfort.

“It wasn’t just me. My sisters received the same devoted care when they had their babies. Mom would usually arrive a week beforehand so she could be there when her daughter went into the delivery room. Then she would stay for a month, only going home once her daughter had recovered some strength and the baby was doing well,” Ha said.

Of Thao’s five children, four live and work far from home, while one daughter married and settled nearby. Remembering everything their mother did to raise them, the siblings call regularly, return for family gatherings and make sure both parents have what they need.

All five contributed money to build their parents a more comfortable home. On special occasions, they buy their mother gifts. Whenever they notice something missing from the house, they arrange to get it.

“People often tell her, ‘You have it easy now, Thao. Your children take care of everything,’ without knowing that she spent her whole life raising us and worrying about us. Now it’s our turn to look after our parents,” Ha said.

At 64, Thao feels content, surrounded by children and grandchildren. Her children care for their parents and love and support one another.

“Thirty years on, I still believe the same thing,” she said, visibly moved. “If you love them and make no distinction between your husband’s children and your own, they will love you too.”

Thanh Minh